Let the Other Ball Drop
By Pam Sherman | January 2, 2008
I’m on the second day of my new year’s diet and I could eat my shoe. Of course this diet is the result of about two months of hedonistic behavior - - oh make it six - - and it’s time to show a little restraint. Last year was the first time in my life that I didn’t put “lose weight” on the New Year’s resolution and see what good that did me. I did finally realize I am not a fat girl. I was before. Now I am just a slightly overweight middle-aged woman. Yippee!! Fat girl connotes big glasses, frizzy hair, bad prom dress. Slightly overweight middle-aged woman is THE NORM! The thing that made me feel better about the pounds going on this year was that I came to the conclusion that I have been about the same size for about 25 years. Save my pregnancies where I gained about 60 lbs on my white trash diet (grow kid, eat fried chicken) I have only gained about 15 lbs since my wedding weight (always your dream weight). I’m thinking in this day and age of the Biggest Loser where people on T.V. have to lose the 115 lbs they’ve gained in three years THAT’S PRETTY GOOD.
Still this diet is scary. It’s the Ultimate New York Diet. You can’t eat A,B,C,D,E,F - A is alcohol (that’s good because I was getting a little worried I might end up in some gutter with my chardonnay glass), B is bread (I can go cold turkey on this) C is carbs or caffeine (it says I can have caffeine occasionally and I’m thinking that is occasionally every morning), D is dairy (gives me gas not a problem), E is excess sugar (this makes sense as IT’S A DIET!), AND F, well, F is for FOODbecause I am so f-ing hungry I could eat my shoe. No I think F is fat - - which you don’t eat if you don’t want to be…fat. So on New Year’s Eve I went food shopping and spent $338 on our diet food (because my husband is joining me on this because I’m not suffering alone). That’s a lot of money for a diet where you pretty much only eat 850 calories a day (no, not in a meal like before, but in a day!). I did spend New Year’s Eve with good friends devouring everything put before me (and seconds) because I knew what was coming - - celery lots of it. The theory is that you can lose weight in a New York Minute. My husband’s theory is that you get so crabby you act like a New Yorker. Being a New Yorker and naturally bitchy I’m primed and ready for my New York diet. Wait I find myself getting weaker by the minute I don’t even know if I can hold up my arm to get a cab - - this can’t be the New York diet. But I think it timely that I started the New York Diet just after watching the ball drop in Times Square with singers I’ve never heard of singing and Dick Clark being propped up with a stick to wish us all a Happy New Year.
Which leads me to the other thing we do on New Year’s Day. As a family we sit down and write out our goals for the year, as a family and as individuals. All very “Seven Habits” of us. My son was the winner for coming the closest to achieving all his 2007 goals. My daughter would have won but she couldn’t master some back roll over in gymnastics. This year my son decided that have more fun and chill out were goals. I do not agree. So I decided that we each should set the other’s New Year’s Resolution. Because really isn’t that the way - - don’t you all want your loved ones to set goals that YOU WANT FOR THEM? Try it. Wives: Tell your husbands their New Year’s Resolution is to not be so tight with money, and husbands tell your wives to conserve more. What the hell? We often don’t follow our own resolutions so maybe we should follow someone else’s goals for us this year. Mine, from daughter and husband, is to yell less. I told them I have a right to yell when they make me mad. But I saw the value in their request so I’m going to…try. My son wants me to improve in Guitar Hero. What a kid. Of course once I’m done with my diet I’ll stop yelling and will conquer the Wii. One thing at a time.
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January 21st, 2008 at 1:05 pm
finally reading your latest entries…loved this one and i agree. my new year’s reso for you is this…if you’re eating shoes please make sure to indulge in a manolo as i hear they are full of antioxidants, love, s
January 21st, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Thanks for that great advice. But I could NEVER eat my Manolo’s!! What would I wear.