2011 - Hitting the Ground…Flying.
By Pam Sherman | January 9, 2011
I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted and it is only January 9th. I’ve hit the ground “flying” in 2011 after the quiet of the holiday season. I’ll be traveling one or two days the next six weeks for my business helping business leaders present with passion. But it occurred to me that all of these trips and new engagements in my consulting business are the result of my hopes and plans for 2010 coming to fruition. So it is true - when you say it out loud your dreams can become actual plans.
One of my favorite speakers and authors is a music conductor named Ben Zander. I saw him speak at the Global Leadership Conference of the Young Presidents’ Organization and I give his book “The Art of Possibility” to all my clients. In it he describes how students in his classes used to come up to him and complain when they didn’t receive an A in the class. He decided to change the paradigm and at the beginning of the class ask them to each write a letter outlining how they received an A in the class at the end of the year. Instead of wondering why they didn’t get it, the letter is in essence a plan for behavior that will give them what they want.For the last two years instead of writing out resolutions I’ve written myself a letter outlining how I received an A in the various aspects of my life: work, community; and home. It is a detailed outline of how I hope to achieve my defined “A,” which in my case is about providing excellence in my work, support for my community, and helping my children grow into the people I hope they can be. At the end of the year I read the letter and craft a new one for the approaching year.
Let me tell you, it isn’t magic, it is no secret, it is a helpful tool to manage my hopes and dreams and more important MY BEHAVIOR FOR THE YEAR. My 2010 letter is still yielding results; I can’t wait to see what 2011 has to offer.
1/1/11 (As seen on www.herrochester.com)
By Pam Sherman | January 1, 2011
Happy New Year! Cue: noisemakers, screaming, mayhem. Bedtime. I don’t know about you but I believe New Year’s Eve is a special night. A night to get dressed up. A night to eat really great food. To party like it is 1999. (I also believe birthdays are national holidays.) When I was younger I insisted on going OUT usually to some price fixed hotel party with bad food and plastic drinking cups and complete strangers crowding the minuscule dance floor. Or we traveled someplace warm, where there was inevitably some price fixed hotel party only the strangers crowding the floor were foreign. I was always inevitably disappointed and wondering where the better party was being held. After having kids though, I managed my expectations and settled in for nights with close friends with kids the same age and great food and real glasses. But there was always a nagging feeling that someplace else someone was having the perfect New Year’s Eve celebration.
Last night something clicked for me, while watching the crowds and throngs in Times Square in my family room, I realized how great it was to be watching those people on television, wearing my pink cashmere lounging pajamas, having cooked and eaten a great meal with my family. No plastic cups, no strangers trodding on my shoes, no place better to be. I reminded myself that New Year’s Eve is just another night. Most definitely, a night for reflection, endings, and beginnings. Our traditions on New Year’s Day include gathering as a family to discuss our goals for the upcoming year, playing games, and taking time to breathe and enjoy each other. I can’t imagine a better party to be at anywhere in the world. Last night I heard a woman say that being in Times Square was on her “bucket list.” While I was standing in my family room with those I love around me I realized my bucket is already full. Happy New Year. May 2011 fill your bucket.
Short Birthday…Big Wishes (as seen on www.herrochester.com).
By Pam Sherman | December 21, 2010
My husband’s birthday happens to be on the shortest day of the year (and mine the longest). He gets to share his birthday with Hanukah and our anniversary (the very next day) and for 26 years he has done it with grace and great cheer. He didn’t care that his birthday dinner coincided with our rehearsal dinner. Or that his birthdays were eventually eclipsed by our kids’ need for a Hanukkah present every night. He is a simple man and all he wants for his birthday is always clear: no presents; no fighting; and a donation of some kind in person to a charity of his choice - to be delivered on the day of his birthday, not abstractly but physically in person THAT DAY; oh, and turkey meatloaf.
Each year our family sends the word out into our neighborhood that we’ve picked a charity - we find out the “wish list” of said charity and our neighbors contribute by leaving their donation (often anonymously) in a big tub outside our house. One year we made the delivery to ABW (Alternatives for Battered Women) which understandably has a secret location. When my husband, who is a big guy, rang the doorbell, the person at the other end of the video camera said, “Sir step away from the door.” I had to personally come to the video camera to vouch for him, “He’s a good guy. We’re here to celebrate his birthday by doing good.”
This year we chose the Center for Youth a teen homeless shelter in Rochester. We brought our donation down to the Center during the Holiday Party for the teens. My kids who are 14 and 12 witnessed great merriment but were curious about the circumstances of the kids who were there. Elaine Spaull, the Executive Director and a member of the City Council, took us on a tour and explained to my kids the workings of the Center and all the great good that is provided for needy and homeless teens in our community. And I was grateful to her for doing this, but I was more grateful to the man I married 26 years ago for taking me on this journey and teaching me that birthdays aren’t about what we receive but what we can give to others.
We went home to his Turkey meatloaf and laughed until we cried at the bad Teflon pan that had stuck to the meatloaf (and probably us) allowing us to make jokes about how the husband was the true “Teflon Don” and how we were now all made of Teflon……we were so grateful to be together as a family in our home…..bad Teflon pan and all. It was a short day but a great day today….Happy Birthday Husband - from your Outlaw.
Holiday Celebrations of the Heart
By Pam Sherman | December 14, 2010
December is a month of celebration for so many. And for many it can be an emotional time. For our family December includes Hanukkah, my daughter’s birthday, my mother-in-law’s birthday, my husband’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, and New Year’s. There are holiday gatherings, cocktail parties, fundraisers and birthday parties. December is also a time of great reflection, about the end of the year, the year to come, and loved ones who may be near, far, and who may have passed. Among the many celebrations in December for our family is December 12th, my Dad’s birthday. My Dad has been gone 7 years and yet every December 12th I can’t help but think about him. In our tradition we normally light a candle on the date commemorating the passing of a loved one. But my mother-in-law in her wisdom always lit a candle in tribute to her mother on her birthday. I love that tradition, because my Dad’s birthday is a day for celebration. This year I shared stories about my Dad with my children. I called my Mom to see how she is doing. She is an inspiration for how to go on after the loss of the love of your life. She is always sad on these milestone days, but this year we talked about my Dad with a smile. He loved celebrations and especially birthdays. He would call me on my birthday and no matter how old I was, he’d share the story of my birth. He loved to take us out for special dinners and would make the sweetest (longest) toasts. My Dad loved to celebrate. He loved being with his grandchildren for Hanukah and having us all together celebrating around him. I know that my Dad would have loved to be here to celebrate all of December with us, especially his own birthday….and somehow I think he was.
Holiday Balancing Acts: Enjoy Yourself
By Pam Sherman | December 4, 2010
I keep reading about how we need to find balance during the holidays. For many this is not the “most beautiful time of the year” it is the “most stressful time of the year.” I totally get it. I started to feel it right before Thanksgiving, knowing that Hanukkah started on December 1st. I started to develop hives. 8 crazy nights, traffic, shopping, too much food, too much drink, and this year, it will go on for at least 32 days. I don’t think I can make it.
But I’ve decided - this year will be different. This year I will work at ENJOYING MYSELF. I have decided not to work at the shopping, cooking, end-of-year holiday craziness. Yup, instead, I have to work to enjoy myself. Why not? I work at everything else. Why not decide to ENJOY each day? Why not work to ENJOY all the season has to offer? Why not work to ENJOY our friends and family?
My new Holiday Season credo:
- I will ENJOY the cultah my city has to offer;
- I will ENJOY my children during the holidays;
- I will ENJOY my friends and family;
- I will ENJOY holiday treats and libations;
- I will ENJOY working off the Holiday treats and libations
- I will ENJOY giving to those in need;
- I will ENJOY holiday television shows;
- I will ENJOY all the crowds - because then every day is like a PARTAY during the Holidays – even in a parking lot.
I don’t know about you, but when I’m doing something I love, even if I’m busy, I feel miraculously…balanced. This year, finding and wrapping gifts for people I love and that I’m grateful for, sending good cheer - these are the things that will give me balance this holiday season. AND this year, I’m adding actual ENJOYMENT to my holiday list. What do you ENJOY about the holiday season?
My Gratitude with Attitude. Thanks Thanksgiving.
By Pam Sherman | November 20, 2010
For the last few weeks I’ve been putting up on the Suburban Outlaw Facebook page gratitude with attitude expressions because Thanksgiving always inspires well…Thanks. I see people posting on Facebook their thanks for their family, their health - perfectly wonderful and obvious choices. But are you thankful for the things that make your life run so smoothly, like the fast gas pump, or the great check-out person, or even in my case, my awesome lawn guy. I too am extremely grateful for the normal mushy things like my family and my childrens’ teachers and MY AMAZING GOOD KARMA TO BE ALIVE IN THIS TIME IN THIS PLACE IN THE WORLD. And Thanksgiving is as good a time as any to say it out loud.
But let’s talk Turkey about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving while warm and wonderful, also comes with great feelings of anxiety and some drama for many. Here are mine:
1) I travel to my family manse and no matter how grateful I am for my roots….I am instantly 12 again in my mother’s house - years of therapy have made me highly aware of this phenomenon and even able to conquer it A LITTLE…but it happens EVERY TIME;
2) Thanksgiving also means that Hanukah for me (and Christmas for you) is right around the corner….oh yea, and this year Hanukah is December 1st - so don’t complain to me about Holiday shopping - I haven’t started and the holiday is now
AND
3) Perhaps because of the feelings generated by (1) and (2) …Thanksgiving invariably means the start of the season of EATING. Statistics show that Americans gain quite a bit of weight over the holidays. and I have been happy to contribute to that statistic over the years. Every year I say no to thirds…this year perhaps I should say no to SECONDS.
This year I’m incredibly excited and grateful because this year, for the first time, my children will be marching in the Macy’s day parade. My entire family has participated in the parade for over 20 years as volunteers because of a family Macy’s Parade connection. My husband has refused to allow my children to appear on a float because of his concern that they would plucked off the float never to return again – IT’S NEVER HAPPENED - but that’s always been his Thanksgiving anxiety. But now the kids are old enough to fend for themselves they get to join my family at 4 a.m. in Macy’s to dress like elves and clowns and march up the avenue. To ease my husband’s anxiety he is going to be the float chaperone and has to wrangle 25 kids on the Golden Eagle float AND walk beside it the whole parade route while my Mom and I wave from the stands.
Because of my family’s involvement in the Parade Thanksgiving has actually always been the mellow holiday for us. Mainly because everyone is so catatonically tired even before the tryptophan kicks in. My sister welcomes everyone post parade to troughs of gorgeously cooked food which everyone eats in about 15 minutes and then they all fall asleep until they wake up and we go to the movies. Family drama kept to a minimum by utter exhaustion. Come to think of it, on this Thanksgiving what I’m most grateful for is the chance to sleep.
Waiting for Supergirl (also seen on www.herrochester.com)
By Pam Sherman | November 1, 2010
Last week I attended two events that have given me renewed hope and energy about issues that should concern all of us, girls and their education and girls living in poverty. New York Times reporter Nicholas Kristoff’s book Half the Sky is written with the premise that the best way to fight poverty and extremism in the world is to educate women and young girls. And yet this issue isn’t just a third world issue. It is happening right here at home.
The Women’s Foundation of Genessee Valley - http://www.womensfoundation.org/index.asp - held their grant awards breakfast last week announcing grants to a variety of organizations that support economic empowerment for women, including grants given by young girls who vetted the applications and chose the awardees themselves. You might attend the purse auction that this organization holds and which raises money by auctioning off high end purses with the slogan, “A Purse of One’s Own.” I had the honor of acting as MC and Auctioneer for that event last year but I wanted to see first hand where does the money go? To hear one student from the Wayne County College Bound organization talk about how she lives apart from her parents and had no idea what she was going to do following high school graduation and how the College Bound program and social workers gave her hope for her future - you’d buy a purse right away. To hear another woman talk about how she was the daughter of a teenage mother and how she is helping teen mothers today…you’d sign up to volunteer. Yes, developing countries need our funding and attention but there is need right here in our community.
The other event was a reception kicking off the announcement of a new charter school in Rochester. Laura Rebell Gross and K. Brooke Stafford-Brizard are two women who have dedicated their work and lives to education. They are the co-founders of the The Young Women’s Leadership Charter School of Rochester which will serve students in grades 6-12 and be an affiliate of the Young Women’s Leadership Network. This network of schools has existed for over 10 years and has had proven results all over the country and with the flagship school in East Harlem where Laura was a teacher. 100% of students who enroll have graduated and been accepted to college with a financial aid package. The core values of these schools are that they are single-gender, small, with high expectations and college prep. Watching a video about the students and the schools I looked around at the education and philanthropic leaders in the room who were wiping tears from their eyes. They’ve seen it all, and yet even they were moved by the RESULTS. This was a film that was uplifting and hopeful and exactly the kind of story the co-founders hope to tell about their school in time.
Of course, then I went to see the documentary “Waiting for Superman” which is both hopeful, heart-wrenching, and depressing all at the same time and should be required viewing for all. I took my 11 year old daughter who was moved by the stories of children living in poverty hoping for a better life and education. After watching the movie, the urgent need to help support these kinds of programs in our own community becomes obvious. Rochester as a community is one of the most giving in the country. We can proudly boast that the United Way was founded here by George Eastman. And yet there are those who live below the poverty line and who do not receive the education and benefits that all should be afforded.
I never thought I’d be an activist at this stage of my life. It is never too late though to become a champion for organizations in our community. Why must we wait for Supergirl, when she might be right here in our community just waiting for us?
Hallotweeners (as also seen on www.herrochester.com)
By Pam Sherman | October 26, 2010
Halloween has always been a great holiday for our family - even on a school night. Mostly because I get to stay home give out the candy and my husband has the task of supervising the kids while they are trick or treating. Frankly it is like a spa night - no cooking, pizza and “me” time. Except for the doorbell ringing every 40 seconds.
Often if the weather is good, which oddly enough it has been in Rochester for the last few years, I’ll sit on the front stoop with a glass of white wine (which I generously offer to the parents who are doing the heavy lifting for their own children - I mean, they are walking). I love buying the candy, giving it out, eating it. I even love the annual count the candy project. Our kids count and trade and protect the candy they collect in their pillow cases like gold. But within a week we make our kids pool their candy in the family jar - that way we can steal it with abandon.
I love decorating for Halloween - mainly because I don’t get to do the whole Christmas thing. I try to decorate with a modicum of modesty and style: bales of hay, mock scarecrow, corn stalks, mums and this year a long-horn skull. I have consciously avoided any decoration that blows up with a pump as too much work and too much a reminder of my Staten Island roots. I even love the costumes - although I am so not “that” mother. Meaning I am not the mother who knows how to make the costumes. That was my mother. The costume-making gene must skip a generation. But we’ve bought pirates, go go dancers, and yes even last year the inappropriate large velvet hat and gold money chains all from big-box stores. And that’s fine. My kids love getting them.
But, this year is different because this year we decided to raid the basement and/or use our imagination in the interest of recycling….a very green Halloween.
This year is different because my daughter has moved to middle school and I am officially released from attending the elementary school costume parade which I complained about each year…and now I realize - I MISS.
This year is different because this may be the very last year my kids actually bring home other people’s candy. Because this year they are HALLOTWEENERS. My son, now in high school, has no idea what he is going to “be” for Halloween, let alone whether he will even trick or treat. My daughter still doesn’t know what she is going to be for Halloween and usually we know at least by September 15th (with the costume laid out and ready to be worn at least 6 weeks in advance of the 31st of October). She also doesn’t know who she’s going to go trick or treating with - something she also usually has planned since the first day of school.
I suddenly realized to my horror that last year’s annual picture of my kids in their costumes and full make-up may be the last one.
And while I used to think the entire reason for Halloween IS eating other people’s candy, I realize as my kids get older that it is all about the family time, picking the costumes, the pumpkins, decorating the house, yes, even drinking the wine on the stoop out of a red plastic cup with my neighbors.
Thankfully my daughter did say that Halloween is still, outside of her birthday (which she considers a national holiday I suppose), her favorite holiday. So I have hope that someone will join me in all the festivities for a few years. ….AND bring me home that large Butterfinger that my neighbor behind me is famous for giving out. Of course, once my kids are gone I will have to break down, give up the white wine, and go trick or treating myself in order to get someone else’s candy.
Perspective with a Capital P
By Pam Sherman | October 9, 2010
When I first met my husband, as we sat on a double decker bus holding hands and falling in love, he told me the seminal story of his life, all about his mother’s cancer and how it had profoundly affected his perspective. In fact, he said out loud, “Any woman I marry has to have perspective.” I still find it ironic that 27 years later, he married me. I didn’t know what he meant. I knew that I could feel things deeply, appreciated and loved the world around me, and was moved by stories of courage and perseverance. But, perspective? I didn’t think I had any.
I got mad when the line was too long, or the traffic was bad, or my hair got too frizzy. Did perspective mean I couldn’t get annoyed with annoying people or curse the stupid bad luck of a flat tire? Because if that is what it meant - I did not have it. But still, as his Mom became more ill I was able to step-up and be there for my husband and his family. When years later my Dad had brain cancer I was totally able to calmly traverse the situation by saying to my Mom, “We’ll have plenty of time to cry when he dies, let’s just enjoy the time we have right now.” And we did for 12 more years until he actually died of a completely unrelated fall from a stupid ladder. When I lost contemporaries, too many at a young age, I was the one who said, “We need to stop our crying and start our organizing.” Is this perspective? Perhaps. Either way, I still became annoyed at hang nails and broken small appliances. And my husband and I stayed together through the big problems and the small ones. Perspective.
The other day, I was given the gift of spending the day with a man who embodies the word Perspective. His name is Nando Parrado. You might know him from the famous story of the Uruguayan rugby team that survived a plane crash in the Andes Mountains for 72 days to emerge alive from the mountains. You might think you know the story, but I can tell you while his speech was riveting and had the group in tears, it was the time I spent with him in the car watching him marvel at the leaves and the beauty of our Erie Canal that showed me the kind of man I was lucky enough to spend the day with. It was having lunch with him at a beautiful canal side restaurant in Pittsford and watch him exclaim to the waitress, “That was the BEST burger I’ve eaten in a long time” - and mean it. It was watching him watch the sunset over the Three Brothers winery in Geneva, New York and exclaim how beautiful it was that gave me perspective on his life and, ultimately, on my life.
Nando Parrado speaks to groups at the highest level all over the world.The day before he flew to Rochester, New York to speak to our Empire State Chapter of the Young Presidents’ Organization, he had spoken to over 5,000 business leaders at the World Business Forum in Radio City Music Hall and received a standing ovation (one of only two given in the history of the conference). I asked him why he would take the time to come to speak to our small group after such a high level success. His answer? I knew this would be a beautiful trip.
Normally I spend my days rushing around, serving clients, my family, and in general acting as a whirling dervish, so it was hard for me to take the time to eat lunch, drive through the farm fields to reach a winery, and stop and sit and listen. But I am so grateful that I did. I heard the story of courage and survival, but at that point I had observed the man who emerged from the mountains and that was the man with perspective. His children and his wife, his Dad and his legacy are first and foremost in his heart. His business is something he enjoys and he continues to seek and find balance and joy in all of his endeavors.
Must we survive something horrible to gain perspective? I think not. I think it is relative. Sometimes we are caught by it and it is a psychic retool - like a friend who was freaking out about almost missing her plane and ended up sitting next to a Holocaust survivor: instant perspective. Or hearing about another friend who underwent successful brain surgery to remove a tumor: instant perspective. Or watching a gorgeous sunset over a beautiful cornfield in October: instant perspective. We may still lose our temper, our wits, and that’s ok. As long as we are open to the moments that bring perspective…and stop…and sit…and listen. Thank you Nando, for your perspective.
Canal Connections - Waterways that Feed the Soul (as seen on www.herrochester.com)
By Pam Sherman | September 21, 2010
In Your Voice
Last evening I attended the World Canal Conference’s Dinner in the Ditch which took place in the aqueduct of the old Erie Canal under Broad Street in downtown Rochester. An old and dear childhood friend, Lela Katzman of Full Spectrum Communications in Albany, representing a major sponsor of the event, Brookfield Renewable Power, Jon Elmer, invited me to attend. I was so proud to show off our city to people from all over the world - but especially my friend and her client who were the first supporters of the event for the conference. I’ve known my friend since we were very young and it was great to reconnect with her and learn about her accomplishments as an expert in her field. Mostly, I marveled at the cool venue, adorned with the art work of Eric Waugh (an amazing artist who brings so much to every community he visits), graffiti, and pictures of the canal. There was great Irish music and food provided by the Riverside Convention Center.
The celebration of the canal reminded me that so much of my transition to life in Rochester has centered on the canal. It is one of the great gifts to our community. Our family has found pleasure riding our bikes to ice cream and enjoying festivals on the canal. When my Dad passed away runs and walks along the canal helped ease my pain. When a dear friend was dealing with her cancer we would walk to deal with her pain. Today my son rows for crew on the canal. Some of my greatest thoughts for my business or my writing have come to me along the canal. And our little dog walks my husband each evening for exercise on the canal. So last night’s event was a great celebration of the past of our community and the potential future. AND there are canals the world over, including my former community of Washington, D.C. So wherever you live, find the waterway that will feed your soul. For me it has been the Erie Canal. Kudos to the planners for a wonderful celebration. But most important, thank you to my friend for our canal connection.
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